*sshole lips, beef puppet and piglet dumper

I’m working on a post where I’m just going to post portions of idiot profiles so those of you not subjecting yourselves to online dating can see for yourself how many crazies are out there.

Then I came across an email I got right after I posted my last inbox update and thought it was too good not to get it’s own blog entry.

In the interest of full disclosure, I did post a pic of my legs in order to increase my views/emails to make sure I had some great messages to post in my last blog. While most of the emails were what I expected, this asshat REALLY didn’t care for it.

We’ll start with our email exchange, since I didn’t even look at his profile until after I had blocked him

Jun 2, 2013 – 8:05pm
You may as just show your asshole lips at this point.

Jun 2, 2013 – 8:14pm
Then quit looking if u find it offensive. And there’s no such thing as asshole lips, moron

Jun 2, 2013 – 8:25pm
I know you got a beef puppet hanging out that slobby piglet dumper.

Jun 2, 2013 – 9:35pm
you must get a lot of women with your mastery of the english language

Jun 2, 2013 – 9:43pm
That’s grand coming from a slob who has to keep posting pics of her semi nude sub par body just to get attention.

Jun 2, 2013 – 9:44pm
so what does that say about you if it not only got you to click on it but to keep sending me messages?

So it’s not surprising that his profile looks like this
5′ 8″ (1.73m).
Body Type
Used up
Strictly anything
Capricorn but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from space camp
More than $1,000,000
Doesn’t have kids, but wants them
Likes dogs and likes cats
English (Poorly)

My self-summary
“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. Your mad.”
“How did you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat,
“or you would’t have come here.”
Clue number one that he’s a douchebag, but please read on, it does get better/worse
I am to a fault forward, crass, and honest with no apology. Most love me for that and just say “that’s Josh” if it comes off with an ouch.
Honesty=good crass=douchebag
Maybe to leap over the crass of which is to come. I am looking for a girl who is honest as well. Who can be realistic in a relationship. Knows the good the bad and the ugly and how to handle the rolling of the punch. A girl who can put my ass in check n’ say “Josh, reeeeeel it in dummy/idiot” A girl who can appreciate the slow finer things in a relationship like making conversation over pancakes n’ coffee on a slept in Sunday morning. A girl who can be independent but would rather spend most of the time with me. A girl who can motivate me when needed. Inspire me when bleak. Accepts my faults and my failures. I’m not looking for a mother I am looking for a best friend I hump exclusively.
Just what every girl wants, a relationship based on the desire to be the only girl a guy wants to hump.
What I’m doing with my life
Fucking my way to the middle.
Being a beast amongst sheep.
Flying on wings of leather n steel
I’m really good at
Sport hunting minorities
Thinking of good heavy metal band names (D€aTH NaP)
Staring contests against mirrors. I lose every time against the 10X ones.
Gourmet cooking on a George Foreman grill. (How did auto fill know to put grill after Foreman, genius?)
See, he racist too! And I’m surprised he didn’t go with ‘death metal’ rather than just ordinary heavy metal
The first things people usually notice about me
That I look like someone and I scowl too much.
I will give you one guess. No not Wesley Snipes!
Does asshole poser count as a person?
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Book: Reading makes me sleepy but…Tales of a fourth grade nothing, Are you there God, it’s me Margaret, SuperFudge, Frecklejuice.
Movie: Happiness
Music: Rich Kids on LSD (nardcore)
T.V.: Workaholics
Food: Pancakes. Pickled Onions (if you are a limie you know this is delish)
The six things I could never do without
He left out bandanas
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why they put Crunch N’ Munch and Andy Caps on the bottom shelf at the grocery.

Why I like the smell of dirty pillows. Not a rank pillow just ones that are like 2 weeks past a wash. Or hair that smells like a feather pillow.

Why a LOT of girls can’t live without chapstick.
Or when they will make a chapstick that won’t look gay when I’m putting it on and after.
I’m sure every woman reading this wishes you were gay…but then feels bad for all her gay male friends that would have to deal with you
On a typical Friday night I am
Alone with the radio on.
I wonder why
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m terrified of dirty pennies, used gum under lunch room tables, drawing blood with needles, wooden roller coaster from 86′, and snakes from the Indiana Jones movies. All have blarf factor.
I’m looking for
Girls who like guys
Ages 24–40
Near me
For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners
Really? We’re not going with casual sex too?
You should message me if
Should if you:
*You understand what I post is humor and sarcasm*
-You Agree that the PINK and LOVE clothing line is essentially the female version of TAPOUT and AFFLICTION.
-Blow minds for a living.
Is that his ‘career’?
-Wave your freak flag high.
-Know the song “Dandy” word for word.
-Pick your nose while driving like you don’t give a care.
-Then come to Butthead

Shouldn’t if you:
*These all give me douche chills but I can work with em”
-Put ketchup on your hot dog. (dressing for children)
OMG, he’s a food snob too?
-Are a vapid cunt and have a twat mind (see line below)
There’s the asshole I’ve come to know and hate!
-Have the words diva,princess and shopping in your profile.
-You think your tattoos make you interesting or define you.
Duh, only bandanas and sunglasses can define you. And really, if you make over a million bucks a year *cough* liar *cough* then you should move up to ascots. Then I could name you the ascotted asshat!
-You wear stupid fucking Buddy Holly glasses. (The hipster MC Hammer glasses, here today gone tomorrow, overkill)
-Voted for Bush twice. You get a pass on the first. But twice!?
Well shit, I might have to agree with him on this one


And what did I post to elicit such a strong reaction, with me showing everything but my asshole lips, beef puppet and piglet dumper?
That’s me, letting it all hang out


Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s