In honor of Tina Fey, I present, in no particular order, my internet dating dealbreakers. I reserve the right to add or delete items at will, but let’s be honest, this list is only going to grow. All of these are things I have personally dealt with, sadly.


 1. Your boobs are bigger than mine

 2. Your hair is longer than mine

 3. You have a tattoo on your head or face

 4. You send me your phone number in your first message

 5. You are wearing a hat and/or sunglasses in every photo

 6. You use photos of celebrities or models. google image search is my best friend

 7. Instead of you being in the photos, all I get is your hoopty, pets, alcohol bottles, other inanimate objects

 8. Group photos. I will assume you are the ugliest guy in the photo

 9. You are drinking or giving the finger in every photo. Stay classy

10. Your pictures feature half (or fully) naked women

11. Your profile is a stream of consciousness

12. You have multiple profiles on the same site

13. You list something porn related as your profession

14. The title of your profile includes words like nasty, horny, gold digger, shallow or bored

15. Your profile is all about how you’ve been screwed over by women. I’m not your f*cking therapist

16. You use lol more than once in your profile, or you’re too free with the exclamation points

17. Your entire profile is written as if you are sending a text-ur, can I C U?

18. You drop your g’s and d’s. huntin’ an fishin’

19. You have a shirtless truck stop bathroom mirror photo

20. your picture is of a wad of cash but then you make sure to note you aren’t looking for a gold digger

21. You say you are better at communicating and expressing yourself in person

22. Your profile is; blank, a quote, eight pages long or a cutting and pasting of the website’s guidelines

23. Your profile is composed of you typing random numbers and letters or writing the word sex over and over again

24. You don’t understand noun/verb agreement

25. Your first email asks about my ass

26. You give me your phone number after two days and/or conversations

27. Your first email is some generic bullshit like hi, hello, how you doing? I went to the trouble of giving you plenty of conversation starters. man up and read my profile and prove you can form a coherent sentence

28. When I google you (and I will)  I find your mom defending your actions on

29. Your user name includes the word schlong


31. You look like ‘The Dude’

32. Your pic is you and your favorite hooters waitress-or Pamela Anderson poster


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2 thoughts on “Dealbreakers-Updated!

  1. fortysomethin February 9, 2013 at 4:02 PM Reply

    Hilarious – AND SO TRUE!

    • mugs11 February 9, 2013 at 4:06 PM Reply

      thank you, i hape people add their own dealbreakers to my list. i’m sure there are many i left out or haven’t yet encountered

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